Coffee required asap

It is almost 9 am as I write and in my breast there is a seething fire; an anger that I can't control. It has been with
me for the past few hours - since 5.45 am to be precise - when I was woken by a howling dog, yelling 2 year old and guilt.

I can't understand myself sometimes.

I guess that when you set out on the great highway of life you have ambitions, plans and faith but as you get older things just take over. Like today. It isn't as if anything is really wrong - I just hate everyone! There must be a traffic jam in contentment corner.

Mrs B is still in fucking bed. She never stirs unless you kick her and then she gets angry and sulks all fucking day about it. Most nights I wake up on the floor freezing because she has rolled over and in one of her noctural marathons she has booted me out of bed, or one of the kids has got in with us and turfed me out. I tell you sleeping with a 2 year old is like sleeping in a washing machine and I am bloody sick of it. No matter how many times I tell them NO! and drag them back to bed they will wait for the 20 minutes of deep deep sleep when you couldn't respond if an atom bomb went off and then they creep right back in with you.
 
Now I wouldn't mind that so much except on average Mrs B gets 2 - 3 hours more sleep than me per day and when I do get to lie-in it never passes 9 am. This has been going on now for almost 13 years. I deserve a medal for scientific research into sleep disorders and their ramifications. I am not kidding. I am seriously sleep deprived and I can feel it killing me - literally. It is not a nice feeling.

My girls wake up usually at 7 but this morning they were up bright and early and so was I - well I was up early but bright is perhaps an inappropriate description for my mood. So far this morning we have had two breakfasts, the dog has crapped in the house, I have found out that a watch I bought on ebay was fake (although the seller is going to refund me so it's not all bad), the pretty girl at the paper shop is leaving to go to University and we are left instead with the warty hag that never smiles and that the stock market has crashed again which doesn't make any difference to me but it just adds to the picture of pissed off-ness.

Today, even before breakfast, I have had enough.

My eldest often asks me to play with her and mostly I try but I am often too tired to run and play tag or whatever and to be honest - as this is a confessional not a rant - I get so bored with kids games these days that I just try and divert her into something else. Being a diligent dad has made me into a negligent one and I hate myself for it but what the hell can I do?. On the one hand you risk the wrath of Khan by waking "she who must be obeyed" up early and on the other you neglect your kids and risk losing them in their best years. What a fucker. And please don't tell me to wake her up. I have been trying for decades and it just doesn't work.

I am not saying that Mrs B is lazy - far from it she grafts like a navvy - but I am not the man I was and I can't cope with this incessant mental drain like I used to. Take my advice  - have children early in your life or you will be buggered forever - god knows how those 80 year old parents do anything.

Sometimes I wonder about just jacking it all in and buggering off somewhere with a lady from Thailand who does everything for me just because she can but then some damn fool genetic thing in my make up kicks in and I remember that things are only as bad as I think they are and that in fact I have built a pretty good life really.

Shame I only think about the good parts when I am about to pack a bag though. I could do with some serious optimism doses most mornings. The rest of the time I spend in a state of perpetual low grade frustration and annoyance until occasionaly it erupts in a full blown bollocking for someone and the pressure valve closes again for a while. It is not much but it is something.

I really understand why some blokes just walk out of the door and never come back - I don't agree with them but I understand. I suppose this is what being a family is all about. I never knew before - my parents split when I was a kid. So it is all new to me. I do know it has its upsides as well as its down but at 5.45am with a pile of dog shit and a yelling kid to deal with you know that there is a downside too!

The libido levels decrease with each passing hour I am awake and sadly this reflects on Mrs B who thinks I don't fancy her as much as I used to. I don't of course - who can fancy the same person the same way for all that time? I am not going to go into that here but there are changes and some are good and some are bad. It is different now. If you want to know more buy a book. Don't ask me. I haven't figured it out yet.

One major change,  post infants,  is that you no longer want to root like rabbits. Especially if you have seen what a woman looks like in child birth. That is the most powerful contraceptive experience in history. Fannies do not look good when they are 10 inches wide - no matter what those German porn sites may say! (should I be telling you this?) Girls listen to my sage advice - DO NOT HAVE YOUR OLD MAN IN ON THE BIRTH > IT IS A STUPID IDEA PUT ABOUT BY WOMEN WITH WHISKERY CHINS WHO DO NOT GET MEN. YOU WILL RUIN YOUR RELATIONSHIP! But things settle and get back to normal and despite the inevitable ebb and flow of desire.

I still love her.

Anyway I feel better now - It is 9.40 and she is stirring.

better bugger off

laters chums