PLANE RAGE

I suppose it was inevitable.
It is just too depressing to mention. But I will. Low-cost airlines are set to allow mobile use on their planes.

Ryan Air and a few other low cost carriers are about to announce that they are to allow mobile phone use on their planes. So bang goes the last place where you can avoid the "I AM ON THE PLANE. ... WHAT? YOU ARE BREAKING UP." conversations that have bedeviled us since the widespread use of mobiles came about.

I am a great believer in mobiles (cell phones). They have saved countless lives and are a real boon to business but there are certain places where I can't abide hearing them. On planes, trains, and subways  (yes you can use your mobile on subways in certain places like Hong Kong). I don't object to the necessary calls it is the constant gibberish and redundancy of most calls that makes me spew.

"I am about 5 minutes away." "What are you doing?" "I am just going under a bridge" etc  WHAT THE FUCK IS THE POINT IN THEM?

Add in the downright intrusive ringtones and the total inability of anyone having a conversation on a phone to negotiate through any sort of obstacles and you have a recipe for misery each and every time you travel.

I treasure the 24 hours of solitude I get each time I fly to Australia. It is the only time I am not bombarded by email, phones or post. Bliss. I get to watch movies, sleep and day dream. But not if the muppet next to me is on his iphone wurbbling on about the best buy at duty free. Please God stop!

I remember one journey on a train from London to Preston. The carriage was full and all the businessmen were being very discrete. Murmurs of conversation and no other interruptions until a bloke in a camel skin coat got on. He was talking into his phone.

"HELLO. JOHN DAVEY HERE. YEAH.... GOT A GREAT LITTLE DEAL FOR YOU... RENAULT 9 .. TIDY.. VERY GOOD DEAL... SAY ABOUT 2... OH GO ON FOR YOU 1 and a half."

brief pause as he hangs up and off he goes again

"HELLO. JOHN DAVEY HERE ... "

This fucker went on for almost three hours!

I thought I was going to go mad until we pulled in at Wigan when he got up to leave.

Suddenly there was a collective sigh of relief across the entire carriage and one of the erstwhile silent businessmen piped up, "There goes John Davey. The best car salesman in the world."

"who?" says his friend sarcastically

"John Davey.. JOHN DAVEY"

"Not THE JOHN DAVEY?"

"The very same"

And so it went on as the real John Davey grew redder and redder until the train finally stopped.

"BYE JOHN." "SEE YOU JOHN". The entire carriage was involved now.

As Mr Davey slunk off across the platform comments were slung about how rude he was and then to add to the perfect revenge he tripped over his untied shoe lace and facing the carriage it was noted that his flies were undone.

So you see. Phones can be a boon but they can also be destructive.

BEWARE!