Drinking partners Posted by BariaBlogG'day
An Australian, a Kiwi and South African are in a bar one night having
a beer.
All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, throws his glass in
the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces. "In Seth
Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the
same one twice," he says.
The Kiwi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his
glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces. "Wull
mate, in Noo Zulland we have so much sand to make the glasses that we
don't need to drink out the same glass either," he says
The Australian, cool as a Koala, picks up his beer and drinks it,
throws his glass in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South African
and the Kiwi.
He turns to the astonished barman and says,"In Strailya mate, we Have
so many bloody South Africans and Kiwis that we don't need to drink with
the same ones twice."
5 posts tagged “australia”
When I was chatting to a friend of mine the other day he asked me how I managed to come up with stuff to blog about. I couldn't answer.
I was more intrigued to find out why he couldn't find anything to write about himself.
So in a spirit of generosity and fair play I thought I would throw out some random thoughts to you lot out there and perhaps you will be intrigued enough to look them up and delve deeper for yourselves.
Thats how my reading list goes. I start with a random book and if it refers to another I try to read it. It is a fascinating journey. Right now I am reading The mysterious flame of Queen Loana by Umberto Eco and you tell me how else I would have picked that up?
So here are the snippets to investigate and or blog about in times of boredom:
The carry trade in currencies is currently destroying the economy of New Zealand whilst making lazy Japanese men rich.
Rickenbackers are much cheaper than you think - especially the basses
It will be over 40c in New York next week with rain. How they will complain!
The round the island race (Isle of Wight UK) begins tomorrow - it is the 4th most popular sporting event in the UK and I bet you have never heard of it.
The iphone is over hyped but is it any good?
The west is exporting pollution to India and China and then blaming them for the climate. It is still our shit we just "outsourced it"
Political discourse in Hawaii is none existent. Unless you are interested in Pineapple futures.
Australia is home of the BIG PINEAPPLE.
Australia is also the home of loads of other BIG things like the BIG SHRIMP, BIG FROG, BIG SHARK, etc and noe of them are any good
England is flooded despite the fact that it rains here perpetually the authorities didn't think to build any drains since 1874.
Thierri Henri is moving house
Manchester United are almost as awful as Chelsea
Israel has no right to invade Gaza and the West Bank (anyone listening?). It is also mis-spelt. Look at the a and e and try to write it phonetically and you'll see. Founded by terrorists, inscribed by lisdexics.
Bernard Manning was a cunt
George Bush still is.
Madonna was never attractive
George Clooney is not gay but he loves a pig which leaves many unanswered questions - especially in the ER
House is a fantastic programme
Australia is a literal and cultural desert
MacDonalds is inedible pap
Macro Biotic food is inedible pap
Bloc Party are pap
Why isn't TV in 3D yet?
http://save-the-ribble.blogspot.com/
If you trim your pubes does it make your dick look bigger?
Sex isn't as much fun as you thought it was.
There now.
Agree - Disagree but what ever you do at least you have a subject to write about now.
C'mon. I have loads more but the RSI won't allow me to write them all down
:)
Well would you believe it?
Apparently Rolling Stone has said that Brisbane is one of the top 5 cities for new bands in the world!
Must be true then.
Bris-vegas as we locals (now living a billion miles away) like to call it has about 5 venues worth the name and about 10 million bands. It's really great to be here but hardly the cutting edge yet - or did I miss it?
Saying that, last week I was in Fortitude Valley at Rics when I came across one band that I think is excellent but being "hammered" at the time I have forgotten their name. The last time that happened the band was called THE GRATES and if you haven't see/heard them you should. Fantastic - just what music is all about.
What's really disappointing about the Rolling Stone piece is that because of it people like Peter Beattie ( the local state premier) are now on the "band wagon" pushing local acts overseas. It's a bloody shame that people won't listen for the sake of it and make up their own minds once they get past the age of 25. Some do. Most don't and it makes for sad and boring media.
The kids aren't buying cd's but they are buying live music and they know that the labels are all fucked. Radio and TV is going the same way and even the press has no influence on whats happening out there anymore - except when it comes to the dinosaurs thinking they are kool.
In simple terms it means that cd sales are falling off a cliff and the majors are totally fucked trying to figure it out.
Here is a snapshot for you to ponder:
in 2002 the sales of a single needed to be about 9000 to reach No1 in Australia (pop 19 million) and about 90 000 in the UK (pop 65 million). Today its about 9000 in UK and less than 3000 in Australia.
Now in the USA where diamond sales (over 10 million) were rare but Gold sales of over 1 million were like confetti the sales figures are even worse.
Avil Lavigne has sold about 280 000 - Timbaland is holding around 250 000 whilst old rock tossers like Nickelback are at 5 million. Modest Mouse - 250 000 - Snoop Dog did 9000 (thats all so far!! and he is banned from Aus for life so he is now officially a 2 time loser!) last and thankfully least - Good Charlotte - sales - bog all.
What that says to me is that the idea of new music being sold is an impossibilty. Only well known acts and repackaged music is selling and even then it's mostly through some weird outlets like garage's and shopping channels on TV.
We are at the end of an era. It is happening before your eyes and the only profitable entertainment is live and experiential - like fun fairs.
So if you are just getting into this business my advice is get yourselves set up as club promoters or fairground roustabouts. There is no point being the music junky anymore. You will end up like the sad kid on the end of the front row who prefers bartok to slipknot (like me!).
Now my little afficionados - rock off!!!!
from down here. I know that should be G'day but that's far too obvious.
I am delighted to be back in the sun burnt country that claims itself to be the Lucky Country.
In many way it is.
Sunburnt that is.
In others it is extra ordinarily lucky:
Space, resources, food, mullet haircuts being in fashion for over 40 years, crap cars being cool, total obliviousness of how daft the life saver hats look, blonde girls with enormous breasts, the ability to say "look" before every sentence as if you know what you are talking about even if you haven't a clue - that kind of thing.
But I have come "home" to find that in one respect the luck has truly run out. The place is parched dry.
In the state that was until recently my home - Queensland - there are Level 5 water restrictions.
It is deadly serious. A matter of life and death.
Practically it means rationed 4 minute showers and no watering of anything other than your liver with quarts of XXXX lager. Strange then that the first night I was here a huge bowser was parked outside my flat and two guys (not the Blackburn Rovers footballer Tugais in case you made a mistake) were hosing down the plants in a rather feeble traffic island. ( I love government hypocrasy don't you?)
There is a ban of putting cigarette butts anywhere except a bin or it's an on the spot $150 fine. Smoking is banned almost everywhere and for this time of year temperatures are about 6-7 degrees hotter than usual.
In Canberra the Roo's are killing dogs again to stop them drinking the water in the lakes and even the biggest rivers are running dry.
The fifth biggest continent on Earth can't provide enough food for 19 million inhabitants. So they are importing it from China. That is really scary. It's as if the whole of Europe only had the population of Paris and London combined. The rest was desolate. NOW DO YOU GET IT?
Or if you are American imagine Wyoming everywhere but with no steers just snakes. The bad lands. Now what good are your fucking Chevrolets 67 small block's and your Hummers? Arnie was right!!
Last year when I was living here the council on the Gold Coast allowed some folks to wash their cars for the first time in 5 years but that seems like madness now. All the dams are empty and whilst no one prays openy for rain it won'r be long before they are waving sticks and jumping up and down like Sitting Bull on an ants nest.
It is Global Warming writ large and in living colour.
The colour is Red.
The colour of blood and the desert soil in the outback.
It's fucking scary.
UK was dry for 6 weeks before I left.
Singapore is supposed to be having a wet season but isn't.
Aus is as dry as a witches tit.
What the hell happened to all the rain?
Anyhow, I can't fix it. Even if I have contributed about a billion tonnes to CO2 during my travels. Its a shitty legacy we will leave for our kids.
So:
Advice number 1 Learn to sail or you will never go anywhere again when the oil runs out in 2050.
Advice number 2. Invest in property in rural Lancashire where it never stops raining.
3. Buy a shot gun and man traps to keep all the thirsty bankers oil barons and airline execs away.
4. Learn as much as you can about Aboriginal Aussies survival techniques - you will need them.
We all know about the Grub sucking and the boiled/baked/fried lizards and it has a universal reaction of YEAAACH but if this continues we will all be doing it. (I wonder if we really will need to drink our own piss before too long?)
When the cows die and your toilet runs dry you are going to be out there eating maggots and caterpillars too.
Don't laugh. This is serious!
Anyway, Today I woke - at a weird time as usual when traveling - and I am off to live the life of Nero and sample the delights of a Food and Wine festival on Caxton Street. Bands will be playing and nosh galore and we will all fiddle whilst Brisbane burns and I bet it will be fucking brilliant.
The day I arrived I went out for lunch and it ended up as a 12 hour bonanza of beer and chilli.
Lots of chat - catch up - business and we even saw a really good band from Cairns but I am buggered if I can remember their name. Cabaret or Blue something. Singer was Latvian I do remember that but after 10 hours and 10 pints of something in a green bottle you tend to forget.
I drink to forget what I have already forgotten which is shit 'cos I remember then. In vino veritas means that you end up embarrassed and hungover which is bad when trying to entice new artists to work with you.
So, there you have it. A day at the races - the race to extinction as it turns out - is neatly combined with a day at the pub.
Drink my friends drink! For tomorrow we die - but before that we have to eat worms again.
G'day my fellow poms!
I know that cricket has nothing to do with anything but I have to tell you this one.I heard it whilst watching the world cup from the West Indies.
A fine Aussie - Kerrie O'Keefe - told this one as Australia were bowling against Sri Lanka
A frog walks into a bank and goes to the counter. He sees from his badge, that the teller is called Paddy Whack.
"G'day, Paddy" he says, "My name is Kermit Jagger and I would like to borrow $30 000".
The teller looks at him in surprise and replies, "Well we would require some collateral for that sir. What do you have?"
The frog then produces a small pink elephant and hands it over the counter.
"I am sorry sir, what is this?" asks Paddy.
"It's a family heirloom", says Kermit "I am sure it will be enough.
Look, why don't you ask your manager he is a friend of mine?" continues the frog.
Off goes Mr Whack to see his manager.
He explains that there is a frog outside who wants to borrow $30 000 and that he is offering a small pink elephant as collateral. Paddy says, " I'm not sure what it is or what to do but he says he is a friend of yours."
The manager looks up and with a stern frown says,
"It's a nick-Nak Paddy Whack, Give the frog a loan. His old man is a rolling Stone!
Thank you and good night.
