10 posts tagged “joke”

When I got home from work  last night my Ukranian housekeeper Olga was waiting for me,

I was pleasantly surprised, she normally leaves before I get back.

She's a cracking looking bird, tall, slim, blonde, big knockers, pert bum.. the works. Walking viagra.

Aye Aye! Whats up here then.. thinks I.

Well, she stood there in the hall, all big eyes and heaving bosoms.
Thats why I hired her in the first place. You don't want a scrubber doing your scrubbing do you?

So there I was, gazing at this vision of loveliness, as she looked me up and down.

She came up to me ... right up to me.
Close as a crab on a pubic hair.
I could smell her musky loveliness.
 A bit like Chanel.
The English Channel.

I was so excited I could have hung a towel off it!

Then ever so slowly she whispered in my ear

"Mr Paul, would you like to take my dress off?

"Too right" says I

Then she says

"would you like to take my bra off?"

She bent down to pick it up and her cleavage was fantastic. Pert, plump, like to bald men dancing cheek to cheek.

Anyhow, she comes close.
Really close and looks at me with those big blue eyes.
Well I can tell you I was ready. Soldiers on parade and all that.

Then she rubs my hips and gently scratches  my back and whispers

"would you like to take my kickers off?"

Well, what do you think?

Quick as a flash the drawers are on the floor and all is revealed.

But women being women, cantankerous lot, she turns on her heels, picks up the clothes and storms out of the flat!

The last thing she said to me.. bloody cheek.. was

"AND DON"T LET ME CATCH YOU WEARING THEM AGAIN!"

A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice Insurance and was on the verge of being burned out.   Hoping to try another career where skilful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and become a mechanic.   He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.   When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

The instructor went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler".

While she was "flying" down the road (10 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"To which she replied, "I'm late for work."Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.The cop stammered, "A what?A rectum stretcher.And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked.You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."Ticket --------------==-------$95.00Court Costs -------==-----$45.00Look on cop's face ------Priceless
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The other day I saw a man playing Dancing Queen
on the Didgeridoo.

I thought, that's Aboriginal.

Did I ever tell you about my mate?
He left school with two exam passes - one in maths and one in music.

These days he has a job in an orchestra playing the isosceles triangle!

Smile

At school, a boy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth". The boy decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother." Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your FATHER a big hug."

Does anyone remember lightbulb jokes?

Last week a man dialled 999, in a disturbingly calm manner.

999; "What's the problem; tell me exactly what's happened"?

Man "Well my mother & I have just returned from a 2 week vacation in Florida. It was lovely, very hot we had a great time".

999; "But what's the problem now"?

Man "We'll we're at my Uncles house, he didn't come with us. He was going to but he stayed behind"

999; "& the problem is ?????"

Man "He's not breathing"

999 "I see, well help is being arranged, I can tell you how to do CPR until they arrive.."

Man "I don't see the point really"

999; "Why not"

Man "It's a bit suspicious"

999 "Oh really, why is it suspicious sir?"

Man "He's got an axe in his forehead"

999 "Yes, that'll do it every time"