21 posts tagged “music”
Let's hear it for the ipod.
Last year a Korean company developed a bikini that allowed the user to control their pocket rockets just by strategically positioned buttons located on the straps.
This amazing device resulted in a number of Korean beach bums spending time in the local asylums because they thought that twanging bra straps was always accompanied by a rendition of MONSOON IS NOW by The Wongs ( A Korean clone of the Smiths.)
Imagine how exciting that would be - a true combination of sex and dim sun and rock n roll (drugs are not compulsory).
Sadly, the device does not seem to have taken off (unlike the bra's) and the chances of Mr Muscle on Venice Beach twanging your straps are as remote as ever.
On the other hand this seems to have been the final straw for a lot of the major labels. No matter what they do they can't make music sexy like it used to be. Talk about losing control of your product!
In the old days of vinyl, music was a device for seduction. It relied on the compression of time to enhance its power. That is what made billionaires of the old rockers - not their inability to remain sober as was previously thought.
Here is how it all worked:
First you got the object of your desire back to your digs. Then you fired up the ambiance and draped a t-towel over your bedside lamp before discretely switching off the main light and flicking on the stereo. You then spent a couple of seconds placing your chosen platter on the deck before the needle bit into the groove and the hiss and crackle indicated it was time to turn around and do your best Barry White impression. You then had 25 minutes to get it all over with before the repetitive "carump" at the end of the record made your love nest an aural torture chamber. There was no performance issue - it was all about doing it and to hell with the g-spot and female orgasm - if they couldn't keep up, tough. There was always round 2 to sort that out.
These were the days pre-Political Correctness and Nintendo Wii. No wonder the western world is suffering a demographic collapse - who gets it on to Sonic the Hedgehog?
The key to the whole scenario was that initial thump and crack of the needle. It was a universal indicator of imminent sex and there is not a person born before 1975 who does not register a frisson of possibility when they hear that sound.
For the ipod generation however I fear that had the bikini been a success the soundtrack to seduction would have been like this:
"Hey baby."
"Hi"
"Can I push your buttons?"
"Ooh, get away.. maybe.."
(The hanging chad of relationships is all there in that pause... "maybe". Which way will the vote go? Gents, It all lies in the balance and if you play your cards right nirvana awaits.)
"Uh. Thanks. - Which one is shuffle?"
CLANG! That is it. Legs are closed and the shop is shut. You blew it mate and there is no rewind in real life.
No wonder music has lost it's value. The main wealth creator was never fashion, the ability to protest or ability. Music was a mass market experience because for centuries it has been the best aphrodisiac in the known universe.
Not no more.
Next month, at the Super Bowl, Amazon will give away a billion songs for free. A BILLION!
Guess who will download them?
Fat guys in hats sitting in a trailer in Missouri. Frat Boys and a few middle aged guys in Du Moines who aren't into politics. That's who.
So much for seduction.
Amazon are the only ones who can challenge itunes and in an almighty fuck up they have gone straight for a mass market, lumpen and lumpy prolateriat option. Instead of making it sexy they have made it sporty and that never works. Jocks like tunes to work out to, not to make love too (how could they when they are so full of steroids they only have 1 inch penis's?).
What a shame.
Now, has anyone seen my copy of Barry White?
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Show us your favorite album cover.
Here are a bunch. They are all dependent upon the time they were released - except the first which is timeless
Radiohead release their seventh studio album today and it's only available online and you set your own price. Will you buy the album? Do you buy the idea?
C.mon vox - are you missing the pulse?
Yes
Ok popsters here is an exam for you.
The prize is that we will release the best song - as long as it is decent and listenable on all the digital media the world has to offer.
You will keep all PRS and royalties and copyright.
It is just for fun. We will own nothing - just the offer of helping out some new blood.
Competition ends DEC 2007 (ish)
Best songs will be posted all over the place so you have to give them away - we will tell you where and you can say no of course. Don't get all anal with me. Like I said it is for fun not profit. Lets see if any of you are real musicians!
So here is what you have to do:
Write a 3-4 minute song
TITLE: One day counts in 365
(or variations)
Make sure it is finished and ready to be broadcast and we will see what we can do to help.
All and any genres
If we get 20 decent tracks we will do a compilation album - how's that?
to enter send mp3's only to info@gloveboxlive.com
On with the story.
When you left us our heroes were stuck on the Greek island of Corfu.
We woke after the first part of our traumatic journey to find the sun beating down and the country in the grip of an unprecedented heat wave. Brush fires were raging all across southern Europe, which was a distinct contrast to the deluge that had overwhelmed large parts of England the week before. And so, contending with culture and climate shock we took stock of our situation.
We had arrived in a hotel with 450 rooms - mostly filled with French holiday makers and their staggeringly gorgeous "animateur" reps. The place was packed with people madly doing their best to burn before they had to go home. There was an ever present aroma of Ambre Solaire and oestrogen. All in all a typical med sun trap.
That would be perfect for a week away but we had a different agenda and our priority was clear - GET TO NAFPAKTOS before Wednesday. But how?
There was one computer terminal for the entire complex and that was hogged by teenagers from Angiers with a desperate desire to ichat with the friends they had left behind a few hours before.
No, call me a miserable old git, but I am eternally surprised by the amount of redundant waffle that teenagers have to talk about. Either they are silent, taciturn and moody or they are wildly flailing their arms around in a desperate bid to be noticed and get laid. If neither of these options are available the next best thing is to sit in front of a screen and confuse and frighten the advertisers of this world by inventing new and ever less significant socialising websites. I hate to tell Mr Murdoch but quantity does not equal quality and Myspace is a crap idea taken to its limits.
Anyway, I digress.
Having beaten Jaques Phillipe to death with his copy of Razzle we managed to get on the computer and searched for ways to Athens from Corfu. Of which there are plenty. However on that week those routes were all fully booked. Until.... until.... joy of joys there were 2 tickets on Aegean air to Athens the next day! Book it! E450 later and we have our way out.
A day of R&R ensued.
This was a real eye opener to me.
I don't know if you have ever been on a package holiday but one of the things about them is that there are reps.
Reps are a strange breed. Sort of a cross between an annoying trans-sexual drag act and a time an motion manager. It seems they are tasked with the job of being as helpfully intrusive as possible. However, the thing with reps is that they really come into their own when night falls.
Unlike Vampires, reps do not suck your blood. Thanks to evolution they have developed a much more subtle and dangerous raison d'etre and they actually want to suck the will to live from your ever more weary body. If David Attenbourough was an anthropologist he would have been able to describe - in his inimitable hushed tones - how the leather clad geeky chap in glasses was in fact singing a version of a popular song from the seventies even if his singing sounds like he is engaged in oral sex with a parrot. And the "fit one" with the pert breasts is in fact only there to divert your attention - like a snake hypnotises its prey by swaying - as her workmate sings her way past your senses in a devilish attempt to perform a lobotomy using only the power of her voice. What people they are!
At last - a new day dawned and after a hearty meal of airport sausage rolls and stale Nescafe we left Corfu and headed to Athens - cradle of civilisation. I must say the flight was good. 40 minutes and perfect service - amazing!
Athens. A fantastic airport. Stunning. Olympic legacy intact. Great.
We were there for exactly 19 minutes before we were met by Dimitrious our driver who was going to take us to the festival. Top bloke!
4 hours later and we arrived.
But not in Nafpaktos.!??????
Instead we are dropped off at our friend Costas' house in a village about 12 miles from Nafpaktos.
This is where the festival was to be held. Tricofo. Never heard of it. Oh well what the hell we are here!
In the village - which is a phrase that ever Greek an likes to utter on an hourly basis - "IN the village" there are 3 restaurants of disproportionate size. 1000 people live there and as far as I can make out every one has his own table at each restaurant. So we joined the party and did what Greeks do best - we ate and drank whilst moving not an inch for hour upon hour upon hour.
The next day was day 1 of the festival and because of our travel woes it was the only day we would be there. It was the reason for our journey and expectations were high.
The day dawned and the TV was bleating on about deaths from fires, deaths from floods and the U-21 football in Austria - apparently Greece were doing well and that in itself is news!
Bloody hell is was hot. So hot you couldn't move. Too hot to swim. I have never felt heat like that before. Ouch. the seats were hot, the steps were hot. Even the women were hot - but I may have been delirious and Mrs B soon put a stop to that kind of thing. And so the day passed in a haze of exhaustion and anticipation.
After the third or fourth siesta of the day nigh fell and the world woke up.
9 pm and we are sitting on a terrace in Nafpaktos (at last) drinking coffee with the kids and I must say it was beautiful.
Midnight and we are leaving for the festival.
AT LAST!
We drove into a village transformed. The streets were lined with plastic packaged Barbie dolls and toy guns ready for sale. Like a gigantic discount Toys R Us the pace had become a sort of weird bazaar that only sold goods that paid homage to the worst excesses of American culture. Strange. Even stranger was that the kids were all asleep and so the only customers were old, hairy Greek men smoking cigarettes of indeterminate provenance. Maybe I missed something but is there a Mediterranean fetish for men who play with guns and dolls? Maybe that explains the Balkans wars. 'DIMITRI I WANT THE HAWAII BARBIE!" "NO IT IS MINE - BUT I WILL SWAP FOR YOUR GLOCK 9mm in CANDY APPLE PINK AND THE REGIONS THAT BORDER MACEDONIA". etc
However the major transformation was the eateries. In one day they had gone from sleepy tavernas with vine leaves and snoozing dogs to Knebworth, Coachella and Big Day Out all in one. There were huge PA systems and stages in front of each one.
We made our way towards the centre of attention and there we beheld 8 people on stage and about 1000 others sitting - always sitting - at plastic tables.
The musicians consisted of 4 singers, a bongo player, a drummer and guitarist and the star of the show a clarinetist.
The music was like nothing I have ever heard -or want to hear again!
It was complex. Time signatures changed, chords changed and even singers changed but two things were consistent: The clarinet played scales in the highest register that the human ear can hear at exact 5 second intervals and the song remained exactly the same for the next 4 hours!
This is what The CIA have been looking for for years. Perfect aural torture.
I have never - never had a more terrible musical experience and I have been to see ever sort of band the west has to offer from school bands to Slipknot but this took the prize.
Strangely the Greeks seemed to love it. They spent hours buying champagne to spray at their friends. They spent huge amounts of money buying beer for anyone they though would be impressed by the gesture and small fortunes to buy flowers which they then threw at anyone within range. By the end of the night there were clusters of sticky sweet smelling Greeks on every table. And through it all no one stood up except to go to the toilet and no one could hear or say anything above the sound of the clarinet.
4am has never been so welcomed. That's when we left. Of joy and thank you Arania! I reckon this is how the Greeks built an empire. Talk about Joshua blowing over the walls of Jerico with his trumpet. Nik and his clarinet could demolish Manhattan!
Please God, even though I don't believe in you, Please hear my Prayer! Never ever let me experience another Greek Clarinetist. I will do anything. I will join the priesthood and recant my sins. PLEASE NO MORE!
I must stop ... the memory is too much
When I was chatting to a friend of mine the other day he asked me how I managed to come up with stuff to blog about. I couldn't answer.
I was more intrigued to find out why he couldn't find anything to write about himself.
So in a spirit of generosity and fair play I thought I would throw out some random thoughts to you lot out there and perhaps you will be intrigued enough to look them up and delve deeper for yourselves.
Thats how my reading list goes. I start with a random book and if it refers to another I try to read it. It is a fascinating journey. Right now I am reading The mysterious flame of Queen Loana by Umberto Eco and you tell me how else I would have picked that up?
So here are the snippets to investigate and or blog about in times of boredom:
The carry trade in currencies is currently destroying the economy of New Zealand whilst making lazy Japanese men rich.
Rickenbackers are much cheaper than you think - especially the basses
It will be over 40c in New York next week with rain. How they will complain!
The round the island race (Isle of Wight UK) begins tomorrow - it is the 4th most popular sporting event in the UK and I bet you have never heard of it.
The iphone is over hyped but is it any good?
The west is exporting pollution to India and China and then blaming them for the climate. It is still our shit we just "outsourced it"
Political discourse in Hawaii is none existent. Unless you are interested in Pineapple futures.
Australia is home of the BIG PINEAPPLE.
Australia is also the home of loads of other BIG things like the BIG SHRIMP, BIG FROG, BIG SHARK, etc and noe of them are any good
England is flooded despite the fact that it rains here perpetually the authorities didn't think to build any drains since 1874.
Thierri Henri is moving house
Manchester United are almost as awful as Chelsea
Israel has no right to invade Gaza and the West Bank (anyone listening?). It is also mis-spelt. Look at the a and e and try to write it phonetically and you'll see. Founded by terrorists, inscribed by lisdexics.
Bernard Manning was a cunt
George Bush still is.
Madonna was never attractive
George Clooney is not gay but he loves a pig which leaves many unanswered questions - especially in the ER
House is a fantastic programme
Australia is a literal and cultural desert
MacDonalds is inedible pap
Macro Biotic food is inedible pap
Bloc Party are pap
Why isn't TV in 3D yet?
http://save-the-ribble.blogspot.com/
If you trim your pubes does it make your dick look bigger?
Sex isn't as much fun as you thought it was.
There now.
Agree - Disagree but what ever you do at least you have a subject to write about now.
C'mon. I have loads more but the RSI won't allow me to write them all down
:)
Look and weep because this is no more.
Regular readers will have heard me rant about the loss of Townhouse studios and all that and now as promised Eden is going down the pan as well. next stop desicated dead music from the depths of despair ORRRRRR maybe a great new beginning.
I hope its the latter.
But the days of kicking back on a big black sofa and digging the mix are well and truly gone.
If you want a piece of history you can get the auction catalogue here: http://mjq.co.uk/
If you want to know about the place that just bit the dust look here : http://www.edenstudios.com/
This is Trevor Hornes place - video killed the radio star and all that
Onwards and upwards funsters and don't forget to buy that reverb unit while you can!
Ok, so I know its a bit of a cop out posting videos but I have been playing on You Tube recently and re-living things so I have done a heap of "favourites" on my spot. Look for HIGWOO and they are all there.. Crap and cool alike.
The main thing that the trawl throughthe memory banks has done for me is to remind me that music is fun and that it matters. Watch those Specials gigs and see what I mean.
We all used to be a part of it. Now its a big US and THEM thing and its killing the feeling.
No more bouncers. WE never had any in the them days. If you screwed up the bass player just whacjed you with the stock and you never did it again.
Bring the audience on side and love your fans musicians. No need to go to festivals for $'s when you can get 500 people bouncing on stage with you. The payoff lasts a lifetime. I would still kiss Jerry Dammers if I ever met him. He mad me happy.
Think on.
Well would you believe it?
Apparently Rolling Stone has said that Brisbane is one of the top 5 cities for new bands in the world!
Must be true then.
Bris-vegas as we locals (now living a billion miles away) like to call it has about 5 venues worth the name and about 10 million bands. It's really great to be here but hardly the cutting edge yet - or did I miss it?
Saying that, last week I was in Fortitude Valley at Rics when I came across one band that I think is excellent but being "hammered" at the time I have forgotten their name. The last time that happened the band was called THE GRATES and if you haven't see/heard them you should. Fantastic - just what music is all about.
What's really disappointing about the Rolling Stone piece is that because of it people like Peter Beattie ( the local state premier) are now on the "band wagon" pushing local acts overseas. It's a bloody shame that people won't listen for the sake of it and make up their own minds once they get past the age of 25. Some do. Most don't and it makes for sad and boring media.
The kids aren't buying cd's but they are buying live music and they know that the labels are all fucked. Radio and TV is going the same way and even the press has no influence on whats happening out there anymore - except when it comes to the dinosaurs thinking they are kool.
In simple terms it means that cd sales are falling off a cliff and the majors are totally fucked trying to figure it out.
Here is a snapshot for you to ponder:
in 2002 the sales of a single needed to be about 9000 to reach No1 in Australia (pop 19 million) and about 90 000 in the UK (pop 65 million). Today its about 9000 in UK and less than 3000 in Australia.
Now in the USA where diamond sales (over 10 million) were rare but Gold sales of over 1 million were like confetti the sales figures are even worse.
Avil Lavigne has sold about 280 000 - Timbaland is holding around 250 000 whilst old rock tossers like Nickelback are at 5 million. Modest Mouse - 250 000 - Snoop Dog did 9000 (thats all so far!! and he is banned from Aus for life so he is now officially a 2 time loser!) last and thankfully least - Good Charlotte - sales - bog all.
What that says to me is that the idea of new music being sold is an impossibilty. Only well known acts and repackaged music is selling and even then it's mostly through some weird outlets like garage's and shopping channels on TV.
We are at the end of an era. It is happening before your eyes and the only profitable entertainment is live and experiential - like fun fairs.
So if you are just getting into this business my advice is get yourselves set up as club promoters or fairground roustabouts. There is no point being the music junky anymore. You will end up like the sad kid on the end of the front row who prefers bartok to slipknot (like me!).
Now my little afficionados - rock off!!!!
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